The Noise

I am sad. I am angry. I am tired. But I have no right to be. I am just a little white girl from suburban no where, with no danger of being deported, or beaten for being gay, or registered in a database because I’m Muslim. I woke up Wednesday in shock, but my world kept spinning the same as it had on Tuesday. But the more I hear and study and learn, it mentally exhausts me. Should I be worried? Fearful? Hopeful? I have to say, my gut is telling me to go off the social media and regular news grid. The rhetoric is deafening. Nearly as bad as it was in the months leading up to the election. I can’t change who our next President is going to be.  I’m not going to protest or riot, you won’t find me lobbying in the state capital.  Just one of the huddled masses trying to be positive (and failing often), praying for our President-Elect to be a stand up guy and not fuck everything up.

I know we have our problems here in the good ol’ U S of A.  I don’t know whose fault it is. My best estimation is that it’s a collection of everyone in Washington over the past 100 years or so. I’m watching House of Cards currently, and if even a smidgen of what they portray is true? Holy. Shit. Politicians are crooked. Every single one of them. Backroom deals on top of back room deals, don’t know how they keep track of all their lies. Business men are crooked. Not every single one of them, but just tally up the white collar crime that has taken place over the last decade with banks. My guess is higher than 10, and somewhere just south of a million. What we know about is probably just the tip of the iceberg. And who do we place our trust in to regulate them?  The crooked politicians.  It’s a circle of hell, much like school drop off lines.

So a while back I stopped listening to the news. I read my news.  Who has time to sit in front of the TV anyway?  But every time I read something, whether it’s from a supposedly reputable and unbiased news source or or, the next article I read says it’s all bullshit lies.  Everyone, and I mean EVERY FUCKING ONE has a source to debunk everyone else’s sources.  So what are we left with?  A big ol’ pile of nonsense with nothing and no one to believe.  And this is why I’m tired. I’m tired of BEING angry and confused. I’m tired of BEING right and wrong in the same sentence. I’m tired of caring and not having a damn thing I can do about it. I voted, I lost. Sore loser syndrome?  A little bit. But also disappointed in the American people, shamed that he was the best we had to offer.  Also disappointed that she didn’t do better to beat him.

I want to quiet the bullshit in my head.  I want to shut off FB, I want to stop reading, stop listening and just go about my day praying to God he doesn’t do anything that turns my world upside down. But I have this luxury, don’t I?  Most of the people in my little world do. I have a job, I have insurance, I’m not a minority.  I don’t have to worry that our VP elect is going to try and “cure me” of my homosexuality. My outrage is small, comparatively speaking. My worries are trivial. Am I wrong? Does this make me a hypocrite, to be mad but silent? To bury my head in the sand and go on like this nightmare never happened?  I’m still weighing the options afforded to me. I guess I don’t want my silence to be tacit approval of what’s going on in this country, but the noise.  The noise is killing my spirit.

I do know one thing. I will stand up and fight for discrimination that happens in my little world. My son told me a kid in his class at the high school wrote a quote on the board “Homosexuality is a sin,” referencing a book from the Bible.  My son told him “Hey, you can’t do that, this is 2016,” while another kid came up and just erased it, saying to this boy “what are you doing?”  This made me proud. In my house, I want my kids to stand up to bullies. Maybe this can be my contribution. My teeny, tiny contribution, to raise 3 boys that aren’t assholes. I can hope our President elect chooses to become someone they can admire and look up to.  In the meantime, I will urge them to reserve judgement and continue to tear down those that would tear down the progress, slim as it may be, that has been made in this country.

My better half said that “you know who” is an extreme person with some extreme views, ones we aren’t used to hearing. What that leaves us with are extreme reactions.  Guilty. Right, wrong or otherwise, I need to stop. For my own sake. Emotions are high, I hope they settle down for the sake of everyone else.

I want to end this on a high note, on a positive note, wrap it up with a nice little bow. But I can’t. We are just at the very beginning of 4 years of “not sure what tomorrow is going to bring.” My husband keeps saying that maybe different is going to be better, God I hope he’s right.


2 thoughts on “The Noise

  1. You are so not alone! I am a stirred up and on fire raging, angry white-woman struggling to find a good place to put all of this energy instead of getting in lots of trouble. The capital white boys didn’t waste time making nice with the playground bully when it was clear he won the prize. But for those of us who are women, will we hold back the bile & vomit and “pretend” what he said and did is ok? Or will we shake our fists at his foolishness, swallow our fear, and say “no way” Mr. &$”*# President. We will raise our children and live and celebrate our lives as “not you.” We will fight within our power everything you stand for or propose to do. Don’t stop writing ! For now I have to stop, catch my breath. This is still so raw and so disappointing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sad I am angry & I am extremely tired of the left wing loons!! Everyday I get up & try to say today is the day people will respect my morals, my opinions & my rights… we live in an age where EVERYTHING is ok… whatever your child does there is A reason & an excuse, I’m tired of having to explain things about life, drugs & sex way to early for my kids to understand because THEY have to be tolerant to others.. when my son was 10 he came home to tell me that “you don’t have to be married to have kids you were wrong”…his teacher was pregnant with her boyfriends child & she thought it necessary to discuss with her class because they were spreading rumors about her & her mother would be upset… WTH?? Keep your personal life personal… he was in 5th grade!!!
    I’m sick of being called a racist because I believe you should come into this country legally, I’m sick
    Of being “healthcare poor”, I’m sick of people telling me we are “lucky” to have insurance when we PAY for it, I’m sick of others NOT paying for it & using the system for LIFE, I’m sick of my high school student coming home telling my about all the high ons @ school that have “medical marijuana cards” for their ADD or stress, or how for some un Godly reason a girl @ his science table Believes said table is the place to discuss wether or not she should have an abortion…
    most of all I’m sick of the fear/scaring of our president elect, he is a man, a Dad, a grandfather, & no one can argue is one of the hardest workers & success stories in America, never been arrested, never been called a racist sexist before running for office & has no plans on diamantling gay rights, or send a hard working Latino to Mexico, it’s absurd & hysterical…
    We are at the point that American collage students think it’s a good idea to riot because they don’t like the outcome of our presidential election???? Have we lost all respect for everything??
    I forgot their feelings are hurt… it’s OK…just like everything else they do!!
    ps the fries @ school lunch doesn’t make your kids fat, your lack of parenting does!!


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