Cake with a Side of Happy

I am eating yogurt with bananas and flax seed sprinkled on it. Feel the excitement. I’d rather have one of those egg McMuffins where the bun is a pancake filled with syrup.  I think it’s 3,000 calories.  I LOVE junk food, candy, popcorn with butter and salt on it, decadent desserts and meals.  I also enjoy healthy items, veggies, fish, fruit, blah, blah, good stuff. Every second, every minute of every hour of every day consumed with what I am putting into my body and the resulting number on the scale.  So tiresome.

Very purposefully, I’ve only gotten on the scale once in the last 6 months, and that was at my last physical.  Remember the eye doctor?  This nurse had the same fate. Bitch. But I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.  Pants fit a little tighter, shirts don’t hang quite as nicely, it was no surprise.  I read an article on the internet (where everything is true) that said drinking a glass of red wine is like spending an hour at the gym.  So instead of a water bottle when I’m on the treadmill, I’ve been having a glass of wine.  Makes total sense, right? Single effort, double the reward (although it’s a challenge not to spill, probably should stop using my crystal stemware). That’s just smart thinking.

Soooooo much talk about good health, GMOs, exercising, anorexia, heart disease, obesity..it’s endless.  Big is beautiful, but not if you’re unhealthy.  Don’t fat shame your child.  Be proud of your body no matter what, but not TOO proud.  Thin is out, curvy is in, but don’t eat fast food or carbs or sugar or pop or anything processed or high calorie foods or shamrock shakes.  My God, have you had a shamrock shake recently?  750 calories of pure heaven.  Dare I say orgasmic.  They say the ingredient list has as many items as calories, and most of them bad for you. I will indulge once this season, I just have to time it perfectly. I am waiting with baited breath. The messages are confusing and hype and mixed and I typically will believe whatever suits my mood at the moment.

It’s expensive, time consuming and more work to be healthy, don’t let anyone fool you.  For families on a tight budget, it’s cheaper to buy the ground beef instead of sirloin and mix it with a box of hamburger helper rather than all the natural, organic, healthier ingredients that require extra time to find and prepare, not to mention the higher cost.  And it’s not just me I’m ruining for life, it’s my family too. I do the bulk of the grocery shopping, so what comes into my house is what is given to my kids.  And I need an easy meal every now and then. Sue me. I don’t have a bottomless budget, I need to watch what I spend.  Excuses?  Maybe.  Buy less shoes so I can buy organic milk and eggs and prepare free range, happy chicken a la king with homemade noodles from my noodle tree out back. Whatever. I blame Martha Stewart. I just want to throw my hands up in the air sometimes and stop worrying about it, stop worrying about the scale, stop hating my body, stop wondering why my sister is a size 2 and I’m a size ….not 2. Stop worrying that everything I buy and eat is going to kill me.

The women I know and love, I don’t honest to God care what they look like or how much they weigh.  Although truthfully, I’m probably jealous of those skinnier than me.  I’ve had 3 children, things didn’t pop back into place for me. I love to eat, I love celebrating with food.  Besides, have you ever had a heart to heart with a friend over a run on the treadmill or lifting weights at the gym?  Not exactly as comforting as sitting on a comfy couch with drinks, a bowl full of m&m’s and nachos with guacamole. You only live once right, so enjoy?  Or is that just what fat people tell themselves to keep indulging in their addiction. I say those words to myself when I’m in the drive-thru. The battle is never ending.  But the problem is I’m not sure how I’ll know when I win. Or if it’s even possible TO win. Hell, I’m not even sure what I’m fighting for at this point.

I lost 20 pounds a couple of years ago through serious calorie counting and relentless exercising.  It was amazing, liberating, I was so proud.  I even worked my way up to running a 1/2 marathon.  Truly one of my biggest accomplishments to date.  ANNNNND now it’s all back and then some.  WTF.  Should I feel shame? Guilt? Horror? Sad?  I’ve never subscribed to dieting, per se.  Never jumped on those bandwagons.  I know what it takes to lose weight: exercise, hard work, be regimented and put the right things in your mouth.  I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. I feel like Chinese food, extra MSG.

What’s my point? I’m not altogether sure.  I flip flop on issues of weight and eating almost as much as JLo does with husbands. Maybe that is my point.  Where is the happy medium?  Where is happy?  Will I ever be 100% totally satisfied with how I look and the number on the scale? Is that even possible?  I will keep plugging away at eating better and exercising.  If my BMI goes any higher, my insurance will force me into a weight loss program in order to keep our “premium” rate.  But that is a Big Brother discussion for another day.

For today, I’m going to go have a nice big slice of my friend’s Happy 50th Birthday ice cream cake.  And I’m going to enjoy every last bite.

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3 thoughts on “Cake with a Side of Happy

  1. EXACTLY! I try so hard. I eat right (most of the time), I walk/exercise daily (I did six miles yesterday) and a pound here or there MIGHT come off. I know being over 40 doesn’t help because your metabolism slows but mine has never been fast. I feel better when I exercise and eat right and I guess that’s what it all comes down to. I too will never be happy with my weight and that’s real hard to get over. Thanks Rose, that was a great post. :). Love you just the way you are!

    Liked by 1 person

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